literature

She is the hook

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the-beastie
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Literature Text

She is the fisherman's hook--
lazily beautiful, curled
like a beckoning finger
and slung into a grey-green fog.

She is motionless, waiting
like a praying mantis--
like a bird shot dead, hanging in the air,
waiting for time to snatch it away.

The fish catch clumsily,
blindly drawn to her steely curves:
she is a scythe, hidden
in a cold, rippling body.

Touch me. Then a sudden heave;
panic--lifted--exposed
to taut, dry air.
                         Hooked.
Just a quicky. I wrote the original version of this a while ago and made it a visual poem using some photographs, but I've now come back to it and changed the fundamental 'message' by adding and removing some parts. I might make another visual from it in the upcoming holiday - who knows?

Probably needs workshopping, but it's nothing special.

Edit - Changed the second stanza completely. I think the ending still needs some work, but I'm reluctant to cut off the stanza entirely. Comments?

Edit no.2 - Added an extra line break in the middle of the first stanza to create two seperate ones, as per =MSJames' suggestion. I did the same thing to the final stanza; I think I prefer it that way.
© 2006 - 2024 the-beastie
Comments24
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salshep's avatar
salshep
Your first strophe is great. So's the last. Just a couple tiny things in this bit, which imo could do with just a little tweaking. Here's my thoughts on it:

She is motionless, waiting ~(('motionless, waiting' is kinda dull. Words like 'poised' are sonically more interesting and verbally simpler.))
like a praying mantis— ~((if you choose a to replace the gerund of 'waiting' with a verb, might you consider: 'as' a prying mantis?))
like a bird shot dead, hanging in the air,
waiting for time to snatch it away. ~((or a bird?))

I just felt the repetition and dullness of 'like a' here disturbed the lovely sonics present in the first strophe, sounded bit clunky.

The fish catch clumsily,
blindly drawn to her steely curves: ~((not fond of the adverbs, too many weak 'ly' sounds. 'Blindly' seems a bit redundant', and weakened the allure of those 'steely curves' -- though isn't there any bait on the hook?))

- Sal